PCS to Eden – Homecoming

Vicky leaned back and propped her feet on the table. She grabbed the remote in one hand, her beer in another, flipped on the TV, and took a long gulp. Every once in a while she shot a sidelong glance at the ætherial map of Charlotte dominating the majority of the table in the war room, but for the most part her attention was on the two store employees who were obviously infatuated with one another, but couldn’t come right out and say it. Hilarious hijinks ensued, and that was what the people of Charlotte really needed right now; a good laugh.

If Vicky had been a dude she would have a had a hand down her pants scratching her nuts, but she was a hundred-plus year old lady with decades of refinement. Instead, she let out a powerful belch, and continued to lean back until the chair was balanced on the rear two legs. Once she was stable, she went to one leg. As a Soulless, her balance was impeccable, but not even a vampire could be prepared for the sudden appearance of five people in front of her.

“Holy shit!” The chair tipped backward and Vicky hit the ground hard before rolling to her feet. “Who the hell are you?”

Gerry collapsed onto his knees and drew a ragged breath. The sensation of Death teleporting them was even worse than the first time Seere did it to him. He valiantly struggled to hold down the bile bubbling in his gut, and barley succeeded.

Next to him, Gaius’ eyes snapped open and he grunted as he tried to get to his feet. He had to grab a chair to steady himself, but being back in the presence of æther helped. Gerry immediately grasped for his demesne’s power supply and drank it in. The power flooded into him and everything popped back into focus.  It was like he’d been wearing blinders since starting his flight to Death’s island, and now he could see again.

Jezebel and Pete were the last to get up. Pete groaned but didn’t open his eyes, and Jezebel peaked them open just enough to see her surroundings. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you looked at it, the first thing she saw was Death.

“Hello beautiful,” she murmured as she pushed herself up onto her elbows.

Death cocked an eyebrow and smiled down at the Infernal lieutenant. “Aren’t you a pretty thing. And you,” she pointed at Vicky, “you look like a little doll I just want to take home and play with.”

Death’s power was washing over Vicky now, and the Soulless was rooted to the floor, so she didn’t even move when Death came over and pinched her cheeks. “So precious.”

Vicky just ended up giggling like a schoolgirl. Jezebel looked on with envy, which caught Death’s attention. “Maybe later,” her own smile held promises that made the lust-filled Infernal blush. “But I want to see what’s new before I jump straight into the sack.”

“How long have we been gone? Has anything changed?” Gerry was recharged and regrouped, so he wanted answers.

“It’s only been a few days,” Vicky replied. “The military is stepping up patrols in order to find who shot the stinger at their choppers, but they haven’t found shit.” She was talking to Gerry, but couldn’t take her eyes off Death. “The situation in New York is pretty much the same. There’s more fighting in Europe and Asia, so the cat’s out of the bag on the whole secret supernatural society lurking just beneath the surface of the humans.” She shrugged. “As you can imagine the Vatican is a pretty popular place right now. They’re basically screaming ‘I told you so’ from the rooftops and pointing at all the angels that are flying around. Of course, all of the Satanists are also closing ranks and bowing to their Infernal masters. Apparently, their headquarters is someplace in Wisconsin. I guess they thought the Devil would like some cheese when he came back to Earth.”

“I like cheese,” Death spoke up. She’d moved round the table, observing the room, and didn’t look interested in Gerry’s conversation up to that point. “Let’s go to Wisconsin.”

“You want to eat…cheese?” Gerry couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice.

Death just rolled her eyes at him. “You’re so worked up about your little war that you’re forgetting to live, Gerry.” She made a tsk-tsk sound and shook her head. “There are few better things in life than a dairy product acidified by bacteria and brought about by the coagulation of milk protein.”

“Is she serious?” Vicky asked.

“Of course,” Death smiled. “Do you think the God invented cheese? He wouldn’t know fun if it hit him in the nards with a nine-iron, and Cronus was too busy making other things. He let me tinker here every once and while and I like to think some of my creations have made their mark on history.”

“Gerry, who is this chick? She’s claiming credit for inventing cheese.” Vicky squinted at Death, who wasn’t paying her any attention.

“Vicky, everyone, this is Death, the primordial that created Hell. Everyone, this is Death.”

There was utter silence for a moment before Vicky broke it. “Hey, Death. Nice to meet you.”

Death just flicked a hand dismissively as she studied a picture on the wall. Everyone else was bug-eyed and looking back and forth between Gerry and Death.

“So…cheese…” Gerry didn’t know what else to say.

“Yes!” Death clapped and skipped back over to Gerry.

“I’ll drive this time,” Gerry held up his hands defensively.

Death just smiled with a mischievous glint in her eye. “Good for you, Gerry. Take control, let loose, have a little fun.” She slipped her arm into Gerry’s and waved at everyone else. “We’ll be back.”

With that, Gerry and Death vanished. They left behind several very confused lieutenants who all turned to whose idea it had been in the first place to find the lost Primordial.

“What?” Pete asked. He was still recovering from his time on the island and the rough trip back. “I didn’t think we’d actually find her.” His statement didn’t stop the stairs.

“I’m out of here,” Jezebel rubbed her temples. “I’m going to fuck your grandson. Let me know when they get back.”

“TMI, but thanks for sharing,” Vicky pretended to vomit before leaving the room via the secret exit to the club she was running.

That just left Gaius and Pete. The general took several deep breaths before leaving without another word. Pete just sat where he was until he caught sight of the TV show playing in the background. He laughed and settled in to relax. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen, and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

***

 

“Wisest of the angels, whom your fate betrays, and, fairest of them all, deprives of praise. Satan have pity on my long despair. O prince of exiles, who have suffered wrong, yet, vanquished, rise from every fall more strong. Satan have pity on my long despair.”

The group praying was far larger than Gerry expected. There had to be five hundred people gathered in what once – ironically – was probably a church. Instead of Jesus crucified, there was a pentagram with a goat’s head at the center in the position of prominence. The man at the front was dressed in black robes and was yelling at the crowd with zealous faith burning in his eyes.

“Praise to you, Satan! In the heights you lit, and also in the deeps where you now sit, vanquished, in Hell, and dream in hushed defiance!”

“This guy is totally plagiarizing,” Death whispered from her spot next to Gerry. “This was written by a dude in the Fifties.”

Gerry could never forget the power that was near him, it was impossible to ignore a barely contained tsunami just waiting to envelop you, but when he turned to reply, he was surprised to see a bag of popcorn in her hand.

“Where did you…?” he began.

“Made a quick pit stop,” she shrugged as she grabbed a kernel and tossed it ten feet into the air. She effortlessly slid under it and caught it in her mouth on the descent. To Gerry, it reminded him of those videos of Great White Sharks jumping out of the ocean off the coast of South Africa to eat seals. He couldn’t suppress the shiver.

“Take it easy, Gerry,” Death made the situation worse by giving him a smack on the ass. “Remember, this is supposed to be fun.” She boldly strode forward and shot a smile back over her shoulder at him.

<Oh no!> Gerry gulped, but didn’t dare move.

“The prince of exiles has heard our prayers and returned to us!” The satanic priest began his homily, but stopped when Death hopped up onto the alter. ”Umm…sister, if you could.”

“Nah,” Death smiled, and the Satanist disintegrated into dust before everyone’s eyes.

It took a moment for everyone to react, but then the screaming started. It was quickly overpowered by a gust of wind that slammed the doors closed, and sickening hiss of metal being fused together.

While people screamed and beat on the doors, Death hopped up onto the alter and let her feet swing a foot off the ground while she whistled and watched the crowd in full panic mode. She flicked the goat’s skull off the alter, and it rocketed into the wall at just under the speed of sound. She smiled at the explosion of bone and drywall before she popped more popcorn in her mouth.

“Everyone sit your asses down.” She commanded after a minute. She didn’t yell, but her command voice could not be denied by anyone, not even Gerry. Everyone quietly took their seats, and waited for her to speak.

“I’m here to drop a truth bomb on all of you, so listen up.” She punctuated her statement with mouthfuls of popcorn. “First, God is a parasitic little bastard who wants to take the fun out of everything and then use you as his own Triple-A batteries. You guys don’t seem to like him too much though, so that’s cool by me. Second, praying to Satan is hilarious. He’s basically God’s spoiled firstborn who threw a tantrum when he didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. The guy cannot take constructive criticism, and you praying for him to intervene on your behalf is pointless because he only cares about himself.” She studied the gathered people around her. “Lastly, and I know you all know this deep down, but the only person you can trust is yourself, so stop gathering to ask someone else for help and get your shit together. If you need money, go get some. If you want some ass, go get some. If you’ve been wronged and want payback, go get some. Believe in yourselves, little humans, and your lives will be much less pointless.” She smiled at the last bit, and everyone in the church instinctively smiled back.

“Well, that’s it for me. This has been fun. Does anyone know where to get the best cheese in this place?”

It was a second before someone spoke up with the name of a farm not too far from the church.

“Cool,” she hopped off the alter, walked back to Gerry, and put her arm back in his. A second later they vanished and left a lot of confused people behind.

Slowly, Death’s words sank in. A man turned to a woman, not his wife, grabbed her ass and stuck his tongue down her throat. She replied in kind and started to undo his pants. The wife, who was standing right next to the man, screamed bloody murder, pulled a small pistol out of her purse, and shot her cheating husband in the back of the head. She was targeting the woman who’d been about to give her husband a hand job, but the woman’s hand slapped the gun away. She jumped on the wife, and they both started to claw each other’s eyes out. That was only one of the incidents to occur in the hall that quickly descended into madness.

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